Humorous Poems
by Lori Eldridge

Zits

Zits, zits, everywhere.
On my face,
Up my nose,
And even in my hair.

I lost my childhood
Way back when.
It must be coming
Back again.

PHOOEY!

Lori Eldridge
Copyright © 9-26-93

Keep Walking Wind chill minus ten Colder in the shade Diamond dust on frigid leaves Crunchy crystal grass Puffs of clouds in my face Red eyes, dripping nose Frozen ears, hair's too short Left my hat at home Long johns and heavy jeans Instead of pantyhose Dressed up like a big balloon Trying to keep warm Spring's only three months away Keep walking.       Lori Eldridge       (c) 1-25-95 Grace? Might thou be a bit sharp today       To speek thusly to the Svein? To growl and curse and spit at him       And to emply out thy brain? Didst thee forget the purpose       Whereupon we must be bent? To bring them to their unworthy knees,       And at the feet of Jesus to repent? (and not thine) Remember they are sinners lost       And only by our love will know How Jesus would be treating them       If they but would bow low. The subject header be "His Grace".       Therefore please do make a patch. Please not to blaim the Svein       If thee have lost a tennis match.        Lori Eldridge       (c) 2-25-96 Virgin Ride Just a country girl. Never ridden a city bus. Myriads of questions:       Where do I put the coins?       Where should I sit?       Am I on the right bus? Intending to read a book I watch the scenery instead: Babies and octogenarians Rocked to sleep By the gentle earthquake Of the oscillating bus. Two teens connected By an umbilical cord With ear plugs on each end. Heads bobbing in perfect rhythm. A man that had to run Several blocks to catch the bus Who doesn't know that his jacket Is wrong side out. A plain clothed policeman Pretending to be inconspicuous As he scans passengers Every ten seconds. The man with the bulging eyes From a cinched up tie Flailing himself with newsprint To drive away the demons That are trying to hang him And burn him alive. The menace in black leather With the silver buckle, Heavy boots and Twelve inch bowie knife Strapped to his leg. LET ME OUTTA HERE!       Lori Eldridge       Copyright ©10-11-94 Don't Forget Honey, please get me a pen and paper, I want to write this down so I won't forget. My nose feels like two Lilliputians Opened umbrellas in my nostrils. Please don't laugh--it hurts. My red orbs feel like pulsing strobe lites. My back has a river of fire cascading Through it's tributaries. Bursts of saliva threaten to overflow The dam in my mandible. If I go to sleep I might drown. I'm so glad I didn't have pumpkin pie And cranberries after my fever started. My covers are immitating a mitral valve On an uphill run. My teeth have a headache. I can't get the lid off the water bottle. This pen is too heavy. Thanks you Lord for reminding me never To brag about being immune to the flu. Quote from recuperating honey: "It don't seem there could be this much pain without some shrapnel."       Lori Eldridge       Copyright ©11-24-95

Out of Order

Recycled garbage sacks
Footprints climbing the walls
Out-of-order signs on every other Maytag
Crabby maintenance man, in and out in a flash
"Coins go in vertical, stupid!"
Toilet looks baaaaaad
Smells worse
No wonder the door's open
Leaky roof erupting through the ceiling
"Use the other door" -- the one that won't shut
Ancient Chamber of Commerce stickers on the window
Moth and fly cemeteries on every windowsill
Granular blizzards on the floor
"No pets allowed"
They shouldn't let people in either
A knife scratch on the washers somehow looks natural
Too-hi prices for such a low-class joint
I'm the only one in here
I wonder why?

Lori Eldridge
Copyright © 9-23-94

Country in the City Trying to read a book on the patio surrounded by Tall, green sentinels shielding me from the neighbors. The hot summer sun slowly turning my skin into a sea of freckles except for the patch under my chin that never tans because I read too much. A brisk breeze skimming the trees reduced to a whisper before it caresses my hair and cools the rivulets running down my neck. A cacophony of rustling elm leaves drowning out the kids in the city pool, the occasional siren, the cars driving by and the humming of air conditioners. A bee mistaking me for a flower. A fly using my knee for a heliport. An ant tickling the hairs on my leg. A visiting moth leaving a bead of excrement on my book. That's enough country for today! Lori Eldridge Copyright © 7-1-94

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